Standing Outside in Winter

What is my crime?

I feel too much?
I care too much?
I love too much...

God or Karma or the natural order of the world is punishing me. For what, I do not know...
But lately I cannot seem to stand upon the rock I used to be so comfortable with.
I knew each stone so intimately, now they reject  my footing.
So often now I hurt. I don't understand why I am being branded. Maybe Luck has singled me out to fuck me. Shine a light while I wonder alone, then vanquish my vision. Teetering on either side of bliss and woe. The rock is so slick now, I fall so easily.

No explanation.   No warning.   No rhyme or reason...

Just fucked and unhappy. Between the black and white is the grey area. That is my brightest color:
No color

Coincidence? No...
Even coincidences don't last forever. Not even bad luck holds on that long. Luck or Karma, even Deja Vu, will balance themselves out in the end.

So what is it then?

I wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes so when I feel like saying "Fuck off," I can understand why. I guess I don't know myself as well as I once thought. Do I recognize what I see in the mirror or do I just project the reflections of what I'm comfortable with? And if so, why am I comfortable with a face that looks back with such heavy eyes?

Something of myself is lost again. Dropped off and forgotten somewhere where I once walked. I have walked far enough to even think about looking back for it. I don't even know what it was...

Bad habits and frustration fill the holes now.
At least something is patching me up.
Maybe this is how I'm meant to feel.
Longing.    Incomplete.    Alone.
Even I don't want to hang out with myself for long.

When you're standing outside in winter, you notice the glow and feel the warmth from inside so much stronger. It beams on your face from an open window and you take it in for a moment like a breath of air from a high altitude.
Then turn and continue walking...

Maybe if I keep walking, I'll find something else to fill the holes.
Something that is actually good for me.
Something I can have and not just borrow.
Something that changes the face I see in the mirror.
Something that picks me up and gives me balance once again.
Makes the rock I once stood on more rigid then ever.

But who knows. Writing about it wont make it go away or explain it to me. If we are all masters of our destiny and in control of our own lives, I must really enjoy the art of sabotage.

My crime is that I want to be happy. Punished and sentenced to endure the opposite of my desires.
No, it's definitely not coincidence or luck. But is there a reason behind what I should feel? Faith in good things now slip like my footing. Time to loosen up on the steering wheel and just shut the fuck up. I'm not going to chase the answers anymore...

A man who wears so many different hats really just hates his hair. Seems like it's time for a new haircut. If those things that once made me happy continue to evade me, then fuck it. The quickest way to lose something is to want it too much.

I will find the next thing that brings me bliss and pour myself into that instead.

Finding the Turning Point

I have been doing this documentary for a while and after over 3 months, I am almost done. I have been asking myself what I need and what to do next. There is always a sense of "more" that needs to be in the film. There needs to be more drama and more longing and more emotion. I think I finally found the emotional part of the film that has been missing: my father. I put off that interview for a while and it occurred to me while I was interviewing him that his side of the whole story is what I needed this whole time to raise the tension and emotion. His interview is the other side of the story that is closest to the subject then any of us could be, and through that, I think I can grab the audience and draw them in more where I needed it. It is hard filming this for personal reasons because I have to see all the good and all the bad and I just have to stand there in film when the bad happens or when things get intense. Hopefully all my family and I are going through will pay off soon!

My DIY helmet rig!

<p>With the rising cost of... well... everything, its hard to be a filmmaker and buy all your own professional equipment. Especiallly if you are doing it the hard, independent way with no backing. There is so much I could say about how having professional equipment makes all the difference in a huge production, but this is all about my DIY helmet cam rig!</p>
<p>Freddie Wong has inspired me to build my own helmet cam rig. Seems very difficult at first, but with a good camera you can greatly increase your production value very cost effectively.

POV shots are rising in interest and fame and it can be hard to make a masterpiece with a gopro or a huge chest rig. Full resolution for me demands a DSLR (digital single lens reflex) camera like Cannon 5D or T3i. (if you can afford it)

The easiest way I found to get amazing, crisp footage POV style came from Freddie Wong's behind the scenes. I took a hardy bike helmet, the head from a cheap tripod, a 5lb weight, and some zip ties to secure everything together. The camera is rigged upside down but you can see just fine through the LCD screen so there is no guessing. The whole rig was less then $50. That's conserving :)

Inaugural Sacramento Bacon Fest!

This January, Sacramento residents were treated to a epic downtown festival... Bacon Fest! I just happened to be coming up with a short news story to film for my Journalism class. Being late with an idea, I looked on my phone through the Sac News and Review and saw that the weekend our assignment had to be filmed, Nick Miller from SN&R and Guido, were co-organizing the "Inaugural Sacramento Bacon Fest 2012." How was I going to pass that up!? I got in contact with Nick and he was pleased with the idea of me filming the the three day event. So for a weekend straight, I enjoyed all the amazing bacon concoctions I could enjoy (bacon marmalade, double BLTs, bacon cookies, chocolate bacon, bacon beer!) all while shooting the only exclusive footage of this one time event. Though, hopefully, Bacon Fest will be back next January ;D To see the complete event, go to this website:

http://www.midtownmonthly.net/blog/bacon-fest-sacramento-january-20-22/

Creating this documentary...

is definitely gonna be a challenge. I have been getting good footage and interviews but the hardest part is trying to see the final picture in my head to see what I'm missing and what I still need to get. I did, however, find some home videos that would be great to go along with the piece. People often times don't see how hard something is unless they see how it was in the past. How much a disease like Lupus changes a person and how someone can go from living an active, productive life to living caged in a room with little to no energy. How do I present that though? What am I missing? What is the resolution? How do I make people care? So many questions, so little time...

Recent Film-scapades

Been working on a documentary about my mom and her Lupus. It's pretty difficult because with all things in life, documentaries can't be controlled. All you can really do is just try to get some good, emotional, interesting footage that will make people want to watch. Many things have changed since I started. I almost thought that I wouldn't be able to finish it at one point. But luckily I have a very supportive group of faculty and administrators here at the school who want to help me out and get me the hell out of here. The documentary has changed but there is a lot more good about it. Some stories don't have an amazing happy ending. Sometimes you can't control a story about life even if you were so set on it. But happy endings and well-being I guess are boring in life. The struggle and learning to live life no matter what is the true inspiration of humanity. That is what my documentary is about now...

Such Emptiness

How can such nothingness feel so overwhelming? How can such emptiness be so overcrowding? When you thought you had it all and everything felt so complete, you get used to the fact that it will always be right there within reach. You feel complete knowing that your life is whole and begin to take for granted the things that build your life up. When, without warning, that part of your life you were so confident with falls out from under you, the fastest thing that replaces it is nothing... Now there is nothing to get rid of the nothingness. And your life is swallowed up by the feeling of being forever insignificant. How easy you can begin to spiral downward deeper into the dark. How do you recover your loss when all your trust is gone? When you can't see anything worth fighting for anymore? When your heart is so shut down that it cannot reach out? How do you gain back all the happiness that was burned from you when the ash has gone to the wind and everything that made you happy has vanished? The pain from such loss will never completely fade; and the scars will never fully disappear, but you will learn to ignore them. Still, the reoccurring aftershocks will return you to such emptiness the harder you try to fill the void. But the cracks will fill and the wounds will fade til the day you have found the perfect piece to fill the empty hole.