Standing Outside in Winter

What is my crime?

I feel too much?
I care too much?
I love too much...

God or Karma or the natural order of the world is punishing me. For what, I do not know...
But lately I cannot seem to stand upon the rock I used to be so comfortable with.
I knew each stone so intimately, now they reject  my footing.
So often now I hurt. I don't understand why I am being branded. Maybe Luck has singled me out to fuck me. Shine a light while I wonder alone, then vanquish my vision. Teetering on either side of bliss and woe. The rock is so slick now, I fall so easily.

No explanation.   No warning.   No rhyme or reason...

Just fucked and unhappy. Between the black and white is the grey area. That is my brightest color:
No color

Coincidence? No...
Even coincidences don't last forever. Not even bad luck holds on that long. Luck or Karma, even Deja Vu, will balance themselves out in the end.

So what is it then?

I wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes so when I feel like saying "Fuck off," I can understand why. I guess I don't know myself as well as I once thought. Do I recognize what I see in the mirror or do I just project the reflections of what I'm comfortable with? And if so, why am I comfortable with a face that looks back with such heavy eyes?

Something of myself is lost again. Dropped off and forgotten somewhere where I once walked. I have walked far enough to even think about looking back for it. I don't even know what it was...

Bad habits and frustration fill the holes now.
At least something is patching me up.
Maybe this is how I'm meant to feel.
Longing.    Incomplete.    Alone.
Even I don't want to hang out with myself for long.

When you're standing outside in winter, you notice the glow and feel the warmth from inside so much stronger. It beams on your face from an open window and you take it in for a moment like a breath of air from a high altitude.
Then turn and continue walking...

Maybe if I keep walking, I'll find something else to fill the holes.
Something that is actually good for me.
Something I can have and not just borrow.
Something that changes the face I see in the mirror.
Something that picks me up and gives me balance once again.
Makes the rock I once stood on more rigid then ever.

But who knows. Writing about it wont make it go away or explain it to me. If we are all masters of our destiny and in control of our own lives, I must really enjoy the art of sabotage.

My crime is that I want to be happy. Punished and sentenced to endure the opposite of my desires.
No, it's definitely not coincidence or luck. But is there a reason behind what I should feel? Faith in good things now slip like my footing. Time to loosen up on the steering wheel and just shut the fuck up. I'm not going to chase the answers anymore...

A man who wears so many different hats really just hates his hair. Seems like it's time for a new haircut. If those things that once made me happy continue to evade me, then fuck it. The quickest way to lose something is to want it too much.

I will find the next thing that brings me bliss and pour myself into that instead.

Finding the Turning Point

I have been doing this documentary for a while and after over 3 months, I am almost done. I have been asking myself what I need and what to do next. There is always a sense of "more" that needs to be in the film. There needs to be more drama and more longing and more emotion. I think I finally found the emotional part of the film that has been missing: my father. I put off that interview for a while and it occurred to me while I was interviewing him that his side of the whole story is what I needed this whole time to raise the tension and emotion. His interview is the other side of the story that is closest to the subject then any of us could be, and through that, I think I can grab the audience and draw them in more where I needed it. It is hard filming this for personal reasons because I have to see all the good and all the bad and I just have to stand there in film when the bad happens or when things get intense. Hopefully all my family and I are going through will pay off soon!

My DIY helmet rig!

<p>With the rising cost of... well... everything, its hard to be a filmmaker and buy all your own professional equipment. Especiallly if you are doing it the hard, independent way with no backing. There is so much I could say about how having professional equipment makes all the difference in a huge production, but this is all about my DIY helmet cam rig!</p>
<p>Freddie Wong has inspired me to build my own helmet cam rig. Seems very difficult at first, but with a good camera you can greatly increase your production value very cost effectively.

POV shots are rising in interest and fame and it can be hard to make a masterpiece with a gopro or a huge chest rig. Full resolution for me demands a DSLR (digital single lens reflex) camera like Cannon 5D or T3i. (if you can afford it)

The easiest way I found to get amazing, crisp footage POV style came from Freddie Wong's behind the scenes. I took a hardy bike helmet, the head from a cheap tripod, a 5lb weight, and some zip ties to secure everything together. The camera is rigged upside down but you can see just fine through the LCD screen so there is no guessing. The whole rig was less then $50. That's conserving :)

Inaugural Sacramento Bacon Fest!

This January, Sacramento residents were treated to a epic downtown festival... Bacon Fest! I just happened to be coming up with a short news story to film for my Journalism class. Being late with an idea, I looked on my phone through the Sac News and Review and saw that the weekend our assignment had to be filmed, Nick Miller from SN&R and Guido, were co-organizing the "Inaugural Sacramento Bacon Fest 2012." How was I going to pass that up!? I got in contact with Nick and he was pleased with the idea of me filming the the three day event. So for a weekend straight, I enjoyed all the amazing bacon concoctions I could enjoy (bacon marmalade, double BLTs, bacon cookies, chocolate bacon, bacon beer!) all while shooting the only exclusive footage of this one time event. Though, hopefully, Bacon Fest will be back next January ;D To see the complete event, go to this website:

http://www.midtownmonthly.net/blog/bacon-fest-sacramento-january-20-22/

Creating this documentary...

is definitely gonna be a challenge. I have been getting good footage and interviews but the hardest part is trying to see the final picture in my head to see what I'm missing and what I still need to get. I did, however, find some home videos that would be great to go along with the piece. People often times don't see how hard something is unless they see how it was in the past. How much a disease like Lupus changes a person and how someone can go from living an active, productive life to living caged in a room with little to no energy. How do I present that though? What am I missing? What is the resolution? How do I make people care? So many questions, so little time...

Recent Film-scapades

Been working on a documentary about my mom and her Lupus. It's pretty difficult because with all things in life, documentaries can't be controlled. All you can really do is just try to get some good, emotional, interesting footage that will make people want to watch. Many things have changed since I started. I almost thought that I wouldn't be able to finish it at one point. But luckily I have a very supportive group of faculty and administrators here at the school who want to help me out and get me the hell out of here. The documentary has changed but there is a lot more good about it. Some stories don't have an amazing happy ending. Sometimes you can't control a story about life even if you were so set on it. But happy endings and well-being I guess are boring in life. The struggle and learning to live life no matter what is the true inspiration of humanity. That is what my documentary is about now...

Such Emptiness

How can such nothingness feel so overwhelming? How can such emptiness be so overcrowding? When you thought you had it all and everything felt so complete, you get used to the fact that it will always be right there within reach. You feel complete knowing that your life is whole and begin to take for granted the things that build your life up. When, without warning, that part of your life you were so confident with falls out from under you, the fastest thing that replaces it is nothing... Now there is nothing to get rid of the nothingness. And your life is swallowed up by the feeling of being forever insignificant. How easy you can begin to spiral downward deeper into the dark. How do you recover your loss when all your trust is gone? When you can't see anything worth fighting for anymore? When your heart is so shut down that it cannot reach out? How do you gain back all the happiness that was burned from you when the ash has gone to the wind and everything that made you happy has vanished? The pain from such loss will never completely fade; and the scars will never fully disappear, but you will learn to ignore them. Still, the reoccurring aftershocks will return you to such emptiness the harder you try to fill the void. But the cracks will fill and the wounds will fade til the day you have found the perfect piece to fill the empty hole.

The Recipe for Me!

The perfect Cage is not an easy recipe to make. It uses many rare ingredients and a lot of time and planning. To create the base formula, you start with some Bald Eagle feathers, some whale skin oil, and children's tears. Thinking positive is a must when adding the tasteful ingredients as feeling goes into the mix as well. Hard work and and dedication is needed as well to make the recipe perfect. Once you have the base and mindset down, get out a big bowl. Mix in a heaping teaspoon of high energy with some carefree enthusiasm. Throw in some passion fruit and guarana for added spunk and some neon colored dye for charisma. Add a sprinkle of vanilla for sweetness and a large teddy bear for cuddling and careing for others. A few tulips for incredible kissing and some love-cuffs for whatever life throws your way. Next we add a cup of creative tallent with a burning passion for life. Toss in some athletisism and you are almost there! Next, get a forge and melt down a ton of steel to 10,000 degrees. Begin folding ingredients into steel 1,000 times. Finally, add a lifetime supply of epicness! Pour ingredients into a human mold and then flash freeze in liquid nitrogen for ten years to raise the coolness factor. When done, you will have ayour very own Cage, carved to all specifications! :D

My first Renga poem

First of all, what is a Renga? It is pretty cool, I'm not going to lie. In Renga, several people get together to write a poem that can be extremely long. Each person takes a turn to write one stanza that first starts off with three lines, then two, and back to three, continuing the process. The first stanza is something about the season or the time the poem was written, then from there, each stanza has to be about the previous stanza, but not the one before it. This makes it so that a Renga can be about anything and lead to an entirely different ending. My poem was written by: Me, Johnny K., Sean McCaffrey, and JD Vorhes. Here is our Renga:

The ice melts
and water pours
into the river below

warmer water, colder air
thunder storms and bears

The shifting breeze
of mountain air
sets all in motion once more

Goats of mountains
push the rain

The ram turns his
head to the breaking dawn
as the heard approaches

The horde of buffalo sense the oncoming
storm and stamped into the sunset

And when the dust settles
what once was there
is alas no more

Emptyness fills with tears
ashamed, frightened, has no heart

The soul breaks down
to form a black hole
consuming all who get close

Deatomizing
gone to bits

Cohesion lost to time
mind no longer matter
swept away

Time is spent
let to wonder

Through the trees
the wind blows
a new gust of change

Change, it rattles in my pockets
the bums crave my succulant currency

With outstretched hands
longing for more
when life has taken it all away

trick or treat
the war has liquified

blood flows thick
and covers the ground
where the innocent die

a hopscotch into death
a childish demise

leaping overboard
into the endless chasm
leaving everyone to wonder why

This I tell you is the end
I can see the future

Through the haze and destruction
arcs the dawn of a new day
where blood spilled finally dries

A tribute to the greatest TV show ever

In this world of violence, sex, and obscene gestures on TV these days, isn't it great to have a show that takes a strong moral stance against these? Aren't we lucky there's a Family Guy? From its positive messages to its deep rooted life lessons, Family Guy teaches us the value of life and enforces our understanding for open-mindedness and tolerance. And with a lovable cast of talking pets, alcoholic dads, homicidal British babies, and sex perverts, what more could Seth McFarlane do then provide us with a good wholesome family show? I believe Family Guy speaks to people on a personal level and each moment of the show can be translated to any normal, everyday situation. This makes it so that no matter how bad your day looks, we can always think about ways it could get better by applying Family Guy values to your life. Because if you think it is terrible in your life, then you haven't walked a mile in the Griffin family's shoes. Either way, you will laugh and cry every time you watch it!

The great youtube race!

Oh, youtube. The cornerstone in online entertainment. The sore thumb for much controversy and debate. Where some see it as a waste of time, some would defend it with their lives. What is it about youtube that has many under it's spell? For me, it is the prospect that we all have a voice, and we all play on equal ground. whether you are a famous youtuber, or a newbie. we all can have our moment in the lime light on youtube. Especially if you are a partner. Becoming a partner with youtube has been a dream of mine for a long time. Since the time I first came across youtube, I have spent many hours out of my day for weeks trying to root myself into one of the worlds largest entertainment websites, and all the while, trying to master and unlock the secrets behind it's effect on people. I wish to use youtube to the fullest of its abilities in order to showcase my work and entertain people around the world. Being a partner with youtube means so much more then just being popular or making a little bit of money. Being a partner means that you have succeeded in getting another outside looker to say that you have what it takes and that you can contribute to the growth and development of the entertainment industry, and also, the growth of your won creative talent. As a person whose life is built on fulfilling his dreams and entertaining people, becoming a partner with youtube would be and amazing achievement in my own regard, because it would show that: If I had what it takes to impress one of the worlds largest entertainment websites, I would have what it takes to impress the world itself. To me, youtube is a stepping stone, and maybe even just a small stepping stone to what I wish to achieve. But for now, it is something I believe I need to conquer to take the next step in my hero's journey. My journey toward being an amazing entertainer and director in the art of film making.

Longing...

I don't rightly know what it is, but lately there has been this longing inside me. Something anxiously trying to claw its way from inside me like an alien. I feel on edge every day. And seeing as how it is my spring break off of school, you think i would be more relaxed or calm. And yet, there is that something. Something that I seem to be waiting for... Maybe not waiting for, but something that I'm waiting to do. Something that I'm looking for. For the life of me, I cannot seem to decide if this feeling is excitement and something happy, or dread and something I'm fearing. All I can be certain of, is that this is some sense of longing. It could just be that I have nothing to do with my time on break. If I don't have something to do, I very well could be just trigger happy for finally having to be busy all the time. But it feels like something more. Like some mystic force inside of me trying to prepare me that something is headed my way. It may just be that which I do not know that is making me feel fear or anxiety. My clouded vision into the future that is keeping me on my toes. To me it feels like someone has put a sandbag on my chest. Is there stuff in my life now to fear? Possibly. Is there something in my life now to be excited about and have longing for? Very well could be. But what is it now that is constantly making me wonder? What could it be that is tugging at my very soul and breaking its way through the bone and sinew in my chest? What is this weight that has been laid upon my heart? Too long now have I waited to know. Waited to meet this longing...

Too much bread...

In my life, I feel like I have dipped my toes into several waters, trying to find where I feel the most comfortable, or searching for the waters that interest me enough to swim in. After treading several waters for a time, I often feel like butter scrapped over too much bread. Most of my arts are hard to master because I drift off to something new and different. Even though I can often times become proficient in my new task, it is never enough to suit me in order for me to become a master. They end up more like hobbies. I guess if i just know at least what I plan to do with my life, I can have as many hobbies as I want. Why not try everything once, and the fun stuff twice? Maybe, in retrospect, my hobby is to build a resume of hobbies to my leisure. To test all of the waters and to try something new every day. Why try and settle down on one thing when I am free to have adventure and seek out the world? And who knows if I will ever become a master of all the waters I happen to swim in. Probably not. But I will enjoy every step of my epic journey and try my hand at as many tasks as I can. Though I may be "the Cage", I am not caged in...

Now is the time...

In time, all boys must discover what it takes to be a man. Even now, I am still learning what it truly means to become a man. The journey starts out with the inciting incident; The moment where you must leave your comfort zone. The moment where you must pass through that threshold. The moment that changes your life forever. The moment when you are called to do something EPIC! On this journey, you will meet several new characters in your life. Some will try to help you, and some will try to harm you. Either way, you have a goal, and you must push forward. What is your goal? Your goal is to find your ultimate boon. It is the one thing on this journey that will change you from a boy, and into a hero. With this boon, you will bring it back to where you first started from and share the knowledge of your findings. But don't be overconfident. Because the journey there is not as easy as it seems. You will have to face many struggles and dangers that you are not yet able to overcome. But in time, you will grow stronger and wiser, and slowly overcome each obstacle one by one. Then, when you think you are unable to take anymore, one more final obstacle is keeping you from your holy grail. Here, you must use everything you have learned and finally make a decision to fight, or run away. This is the moment where your one doubt must flee your mind, and transform you into a hero. There is no doubting whether you have become a hero or not. That you will know the moment you have your big boon! And you will either win the girl, or defeat the bad guy. But either way, your hero's journey will transform you into a man. You just have to accept the call to action.

And so, a new journey begins!

I am Cage, and my life is filled with incredible things. There is never a dull moment, and there are always EPIC times. In those epic times, I have grown, and increased in wisdom. About life, about love, about joy and sadness.... And in those moments of enlightenment, I have come to embrace in what my heart seeks out: The magic, the energy, the memories, the strength, the joy, the love, the epicness. But most of all, the passion!! Passion is what guides me through my life. It takes me to where, deep down, I want to be. And I use that passion like an uncontrollable wildfire, and spread it everywhere, leaving my mark every journey I take. Those that come near me breath the smoke that comes from the flames of my desire. Failure is unacceptable, as well as the loss of your passion. For without passion, no man would desire, and no man would achieve greatness. In my days, when my heart seeks out what I come to embrace, it is just that, that I have strived to embrace: Greatness! In the days that will follow after me, I will leave everything that i have worked for to those that follow. And who knows what they will do with it, and if they will have the same passion and desire or if they will wollow in loss. But my flames will cause change in the hearts of many that will not easily be erased from time or space. So begins my new journey today, and a start of my legacy.